i think i should go to therapy. or be on medication. but i really hate therapy. and i’m really against medication (for me). maybe i should just drink more. and start smoking lots of pot again. actually i think what i need is 1) a craft room/time to craft 2) friends that are around also my husband and i still don’t have sex and i’m pretty sick of it. he and i are going away together for our anniversary so it’ll probably happen, but i’m sure it’ll be terrible and irritating..so..that’s..cool. i need to sleep with he who shall not be named/hot girls/someone who can help me achieve an orgasm that is not self induced fucking friday nights

i think i should go to therapy. or be on medication. but i really hate therapy. and i’m really against medication (for me). maybe i should just drink more. and start smoking lots of pot again. actually i think what i need is 1) a craft room/time to craft 2) friends that are around

also my husband and i still don’t have sex and i’m pretty sick of it. he and i are going away together for our anniversary so it’ll probably happen, but i’m sure it’ll be terrible and irritating..so..that’s..cool.

i need to sleep with he who shall not be named/hot girls/someone who can help me achieve an orgasm that is not self induced

fucking friday nights

braaaains i really hate feeling powerless to a mental illness. i really don’t want medication and i know i need to be in therapy.  though i feel like every time i’ve gone, they aren’t really listening. however i worry that if i really said everything i wanted to and a therapist really did take it all in, that they would have me drugged up and locked away.  ocd is a term that’s really thrown around a lot. everyone i meet is “ocd”. fuck you.  no you’re fucking not. get inside my fucking brain and you will know what it’s like to not be in control of your actions. to check the lock on the door constantly every night. to have to rub the same spot on your neck until the skin is raw. to repeat the same “chant” all day and all night in your head in fear that terrible things will happen if you don’t. you will have to do everything is 4s. NEVER in 3s. you will make sure every last coin you see is heads up.  everything you touch will be deliberate and all too thought out. you will attract attention. people will be polite and not say anything, just look at you like you’re off balance. well shit. i need some balance. i know i wasn’t always like this.  i remember it really starting when i was 13 or so.  like really obsessive daily tasks.  i feel like it went away for awhile.  i wish i could pinpoint what started it and what made it dissipate and especially what made it start back up again with such a fury.  i could make a few guesses.. but even with knowing, there does that get me? ok great, this thing happened and it made my brain all whackadoodle. that’s nice. now fix it.  how do i stop doing these things?  i tell myself all the time that i am stronger than my crazy. i look in the mirror before i go into work and say “just for today. let’s not be crazy”.  it doesn’t work. i feel like someone else has taken over my brain and i’m just watching myself slip away. i worry that if something terrible did happen, god forbid, that i would descent into a madness that i couldn’t escape from.  i need to escape now. i want to be mentally and physically healthy for myself, but more than anything, i want to do it for my children.  H is too young to see it (presumably), but I know T is so smart and she sees my habits. She tells me to stop sometimes.. she knows something isn’t right.  I know what it’s like to grow up with a depressed mother and it’s crippling.  I want my brain back. I love them too much to not be there for them 100%.  i need to be well. i want to be well. i will be well. natasha is the only person that read this. and that’s ok. <3

braaaains

i really hate feeling powerless to a mental illness. i really don’t want medication and i know i need to be in therapy.  though i feel like every time i’ve gone, they aren’t really listening. however i worry that if i really said everything i wanted to and a therapist really did take it all in, that they would have me drugged up and locked away.  ocd is a term that’s really thrown around a lot. everyone i meet is “ocd”. fuck you.  no you’re fucking not. get inside my fucking brain and you will know what it’s like to not be in control of your actions. to check the lock on the door constantly every night. to have to rub the same spot on your neck until the skin is raw. to repeat the same “chant” all day and all night in your head in fear that terrible things will happen if you don’t. you will have to do everything is 4s. NEVER in 3s. you will make sure every last coin you see is heads up.  everything you touch will be deliberate and all too thought out. you will attract attention. people will be polite and not say anything, just look at you like you’re off balance. well shit. i need some balance.

i know i wasn’t always like this.  i remember it really starting when i was 13 or so.  like really obsessive daily tasks.  i feel like it went away for awhile.  i wish i could pinpoint what started it and what made it dissipate and especially what made it start back up again with such a fury.  i could make a few guesses.. but even with knowing, there does that get me? ok great, this thing happened and it made my brain all whackadoodle. that’s nice. now fix it.  how do i stop doing these things?  i tell myself all the time that i am stronger than my crazy. i look in the mirror before i go into work and say “just for today. let’s not be crazy”.  it doesn’t work. i feel like someone else has taken over my brain and i’m just watching myself slip away. i worry that if something terrible did happen, god forbid, that i would descent into a madness that i couldn’t escape from.  i need to escape now.

i want to be mentally and physically healthy for myself, but more than anything, i want to do it for my children.  H is too young to see it (presumably), but I know T is so smart and she sees my habits. She tells me to stop sometimes.. she knows something isn’t right.  I know what it’s like to grow up with a depressed mother and it’s crippling.  I want my brain back. I love them too much to not be there for them 100%.  i need to be well. i want to be well. i will be well.

natasha is the only person that read this. and that’s ok. <3

i hate having a crush. it’s irritating because there is nothing i can do about it. well, i can shamelessly flirt but it doesn’t do much good because he’s oblivious. and even if he wasn’t oblivious what does it matter since i’m married! damnit. you know, maybe if my husband actually had sex with me anymore i wouldn’t even look in any other direction. i really thought the whole sex stopping after marriage thing was kind of a joke..nope, guess not! on the other hand, the less sex there is between us the less sex i want to have with him. my resentment is building and therefore i am seeking attention through other men.. or least attempting and failing miserably at it. ok so my new plan is to drop this baby weight, attract many suitors, make steve jealous so that he drops his “baby weight” and then we can resume a normal sex life. or at least like once a week. in the last TWO years we’ve had sex like 10 times-tops. WTFWTFWTF. is it me? it’s me, isn’t it? no, it can’t be all me. it’s a little me. sometimes i really miss having so many booty calls ready to go and all that promiscuity that came with the life i once knew . now i’m married to someone who couldn’t give two shits. fuck. if i don’t have a non-self induced orgasm soon i’m going to explode. i really do hate having this crush, though.

i hate having a crush. it’s irritating because there is nothing i can do about it. well, i can shamelessly flirt but it doesn’t do much good because he’s oblivious. and even if he wasn’t oblivious what does it matter since i’m married! damnit. you know, maybe if my husband actually had sex with me anymore i wouldn’t even look in any other direction. i really thought the whole sex stopping after marriage thing was kind of a joke..nope, guess not! on the other hand, the less sex there is between us the less sex i want to have with him. my resentment is building and therefore i am seeking attention through other men.. or least attempting and failing miserably at it. ok so my new plan is to drop this baby weight, attract many suitors, make steve jealous so that he drops his “baby weight” and then we can resume a normal sex life. or at least like once a week. in the last TWO years we’ve had sex like 10 times-tops. WTFWTFWTF. is it me? it’s me, isn’t it? no, it can’t be all me. it’s a little me. sometimes i really miss having so many booty calls ready to go and all that promiscuity that came with the life i once knew . now i’m married to someone who couldn’t give two shits. fuck. if i don’t have a non-self induced orgasm soon i’m going to explode. i really do hate having this crush, though.

desmond joseph my sister had her baby! i’m so happy! she had such an easy time and i saw his picture and he is so beautiful and i love him so much and i’m so sad that we live 3000 miles apart :( yay babies though!

desmond joseph

my sister had her baby!

i’m so happy!

she had such an easy time and i saw his picture and he is so beautiful and i love him so much and i’m so sad that we live 3000 miles apart :(

yay babies though!

emily my best childhood friend passed away tonight. Her name was Emily Kate Crockett and she had brain cancer.  She was diagnosed when she five and given only a few months to live.  She turned 26 this past June.  She was hilarious, she was brilliant, she was brave, she was strong.  She is an inspiration.  And I will miss her.

emily

my best childhood friend passed away tonight. Her name was Emily Kate Crockett and she had brain cancer.  She was diagnosed when she five and given only a few months to live.  She turned 26 this past June.  She was hilarious, she was brilliant, she was brave, she was strong.  She is an inspiration.  And I will miss her.